Just a local phone call from the grave!
You are so wise in the ways of men and women. Where do you refer when you're stumped on a question concerning human sexuality? signed Wisdom Seeker
Count Devio: Dear Seeker:
The Sears Home Tool and Improvment Catalog and Modern Farming Guidelines
My name is Benjamin. I'm an investment banker. My problem: When I go to bars to try to meet someone, women don't seem to take notice of me. How can I get them to overlook all the young studs and pay attention to me? Signed -- Benjamin
Benjamin: Here's my suggestion: Tape several one hundred dollar bills to your tie instead of a tie clip, then ATTACH a note to the end of your tie saying, "Talk to me ... and this TIE is YOURs!" Believe me ... this works for all American women. The only thing .. you have to be very wary they all don't pounce on you at once and RIP YOU TO SHREDS!
Here's my picture. Judge for yourself! What can I do to improve my sex life?
By this picture you sent me, I can only reccommend that you strengthen your wrist muscles! It's going to be a LONG, COLD winter for you!
In the back of a magazine, they were selling this miracle scent which is guaranteed to attract females. What's up? Is it worth investing my hard earned buck-ar-roos? It cost $49.95! -- Cordially, -- Stinky Man
Dear Stinky Man:
The manufacturers are not lying! Did you think they could run such an ad if they were lying?
The scent WILL ATTRACT FEMALES .... FEMALE FLYS!!!!!!
Stinky Man ... You will be abuzz with activity on Friday NIGHTS!!
You might find then your best friend is a VENUS FLYTRAP!!!
Are Oysters really a good aphrodisiac? -- Love David
Dear David: YES ... IF YOU'RE DATING A SEAL!!!!!
Where do you guys come from? Can't you just take my advice? Simply ... walk up to the LONELY LADY ... introduce YOURSELF, hand her a STACK of BILLS, get on your knees and BEG her to go out with you!
You're NOT THE COUNT!
You're seeking advice FROM A guy WHO'S DEAD!!!!
Doesn't that ring a BELL ???
My mommy and daddy didn't have sex for the longest time. I taped your last show for their anniversary. They play it over and over, night after night in their room. I hear lots of moaning and groaning and the headboard of the bed banging against the wall.
Does your show really have that much of an effect??? --- Love Little Leonia
... call 911 IMMEDIATELY! Don't ever videotape this show!!! Viewing more than once a week could DRIVE ANYONE MAD!!!! Are you CRAZY??? This show IS LIKE FISH!!! You can only Eat so MUCH a WEEK!!! Several viewers have already worn their fingers to THE BONE!
Take a look at me , sometimes I think men only talk to me because of my body! I want to be recognized because of my mind! What can I do? Is that all men really think about? Do they ever really PAY ATTENTION TO ME???-- Always yours, -- Stacked
Dear Stacked: Darling ... men do not think with their head that is above their shoulders. It is a LITTLE KNOWN, BIOLOGIC FACT!!! But little Miss Stacked ... let me ask you .... What would you do if the head you WERE thinking with was surrounded both to your RIGHT and to YOUR LEFT by TWO HUGE NUTS! ... 24 hours a day .. telling you what to do! What would YOU THINK??? Think about this Baby!
I work in an office. We just hired a beautiful receptionist. I'm hopelessly infatuated. I'm terribly bashful. How can I get her to notice me? Yours truly, -- Timid Tom
I hope I DIDN'T SCARE YOU (Just a little joke Tommie ... Don't go off running under the bed!)
In your case .. I'd ask the pretty lovely .. out to dinner. If that doesn't work .. TRY BEGGING ... if that still doesn't work ... dress up LIKE A CHICKEN and come in to her office CLUCKING ... It won't get you a date ... but .. she'll surely notice you!
You'll know it worked if she starts dialing 911!
Now ... if you were me ... it would be easy! WOMEN LOVE ME! Something deep within their reptilian brain cause them to associate me with a hydraulic FACIAL MASSAGER!!!
I want you on MY SHOW! My people will be contacting your people (Devio: vat is this ... MY people VILL be contacting your people) .... David Letterman!
and David .... did you not FORGET TO PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN THIS ENVELOPE .. YOU KNOW that funny GREEN STUFF with the pictures of all the DEAD PRESIDENTS!!!!
We got a lot of letters on the show we did with the TOPLESS DANCERS.
Dancers present a very dangerous problem to Vampires. You could bite them accidentally in the wrong place and they vould kill you from SILICONE POISONING! Or worse than that, the really big-breasted siliconed wonders .. COULD EXPLODE ON YOU!!!!
I watch your show every week. I am continually amazed how you are able to misconscrue the facts and get everything wrong. -- Opinionated!!
Dear Opinionated Bitch: (I just love FEISTY WOMEN)
No matter how I try .. I can't get the BIG "O", ... you know ... THE BIG ENCHILADA. I just can't get the machinery to work. What am I to do? -- Signed ... Rubbed Raw
Dear Rubbed Raw,
For your problem we have to go straight to the TOP ... the number 1 specialist in the field .. Dr. Ruth. Anyone with a face like that has to know everything there is about VICTIMIZING the VICTORIAN VORTEX ... Wagging the WAYWARD DOG and TEASING the TEPID TRAPIZIS!
Dr. Ruth says, "DON'T TRY SO HARD!! You're suffering from ANTICIPATION ANXIETY!
Think of something that arouses you!
Dear Cousin Devio:
(DEVIO:) So now .. HERMAN ... we're RELATED?
My wife has not moved in 17 years, do you think you could put the bite to her neck. At least maybe, then ... she'll get up at night AND MOVE!!! -- Fatigued One
Dear Fatigued One:
I am NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR A GOOD SESSION WITH DR. RUTH!!!!
But in the meantime, Hang an 8X10 of Dr. Ruth over your bed. It'll make your wife move! It'll not only make her move ... IT'LL GIVE HER A GOOD PHISIC!!!
Dear Count Devio:
I love your show! My friends and I have a Count Devio party every week at Uncle Charley's - a NYC gay bar. We'd all love to meet you. How would you like to have 5 guys go down on that OLE BAT POLE???
How long is the average FEMALE ORGASM?? ---Mikey!
The average female orgasm last as long as you have MONEY IN YOUR WALLET! If you want to HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS, then show her MULTIPLE BANK ACCOUNTS!
Dear Count:Count Devio:
I find you vulgar, crude and possessing a SEXIST ATTITUDE! (Count Devio: Most women find those my most endearing qualities) Forget the stake, they should drive a 2X4 .. up your. ...
Now .. NOW ... lest not get mixed up your desire for me and your inability to possess me. Deep down .. you really want me! Admit it to yourself! Don't suppress your hidden desires any longer! Because you vill break OUT IN PIMPLES! A BIG UGLY ZIT right ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE!
Do you like ANIMALS??
Well Pricilla MY PET! Do I have to say more????
I am lonely. Here's my picture! Vill you be my fantasy lover? -- Monique
Dear Monique: I'll be over as soon as ve finish filming, please leave your window open!
Girls who DIG Watersports!
Return to Home!
How do you RELAX when you're a COUNT!
This document was created with the assistance of
WebMania!™ 2.0a - ©1995,96,97 Q&D Software Development -
THE COUNT'S FUN AND INTERESTING LINKS
SPIRIT DEPOSSESSION | SEA KAYAK FOR WET PEOPLE | GREENWICH VILLAGE TOUR GUIDE |
BANGKOK TOUR GUIDE | HYPNOSIS MARKETING NEWS | SILVA MIND CONTROL GRADS
HYPNOTIST NOTEBOOK | VAMPIRES IN NEW YORK | NEW YORK HYPNOSIS
HYPNOSIS TRAINING | NEW YORK HYPNOTIST | NEW YORK HYPNOTHERAPIST